💥 When Roles Change, So Do Relationships: How I Navigated a Strained Dynamic After Switching from Manager to IC

When I stepped down from my role as engineering manager and returned to being an individual contributor, I expected some adjustments — mostly on my end. What I didn’t expect was how quickly my relationship with a trusted teammate would strain.

This was someone I had never clashed with while I was managing the team. In fact, I actively tried to stay out of implementation decisions. I focused on growth, autonomy, and trust — and trusted him to own the frontend implementation. But once I returned to the codebase and started contributing as a peer, our dynamic shifted. Fast.

🚧 The Conflict: Technical Direction as a Source of Tension

The first spark came during a review of his proposal for our frontend testing strategy. He wanted to continue using “drivers” — layered wrapper utilities built around React Testing Library. From experience, I knew these made tests hard to write and even harder to maintain. I had spent too much time trying to update tests buried under abstraction and undocumented indirection. So I pushed back.

His disagreement was immediate and intense. And it didn’t stop there. Over the next few months, we continued to butt heads on multiple architectural and implementation decisions. It wasn’t just technical tension — it was personal friction.

And it caught me off guard.

🔄 Why This Caught Me Off Guard

When I was his manager, we never had these issues. If anything, we worked in harmony. That’s probably because I didn’t challenge his implementation decisions — not because we were magically aligned on everything, but because I chose to stay hands off. I gave him space to build.

But now, as a principal engineer back in the code, my job is to challenge direction when needed. To ensure maintainability. To advocate for simplicity, clarity, and team velocity. The shift in roles redefined the boundaries — and with that came tension we’d never experienced before.

🤝 The Turning Point: Apology and Reflection

Months later, while I was on vacation, he sent an apology:

“I still notice some tension between us... it’s because I’ve been feeling stressed lately. The end of the year was tough for me… and these mind games affected how I behaved. I’m not all about tech stuff – people and good vibes matter more to me. I’m hoping we can go back to how things were.”

It was a moment of self-awareness and vulnerability. And it made me reflect on how I’d been showing up, too.

🧭 How I Responded

I acknowledged his apology and shared my side. I hadn’t been playing mind games — I was just trying to find my footing after a rough management stint. I explained that I hadn’t expected tension, but I understood it. And I reiterated that while I wasn’t a manager anymore, I was still a leader — and I needed the team’s trust to keep pushing us forward.

Here are the key takeaways I pulled from that experience:

🔑 Tips for Navigating Strained Dynamics After a Role Change

1. Expect relationship shifts — and don’t take them personally.
Your role might change, but people’s expectations of you take time to catch up. Misalignment is natural. Communication helps.

2. Acknowledge power dynamics — even if they’re gone.
When you stop managing someone, they don’t instantly stop seeing you as their former boss. That lingering dynamic can make peer feedback feel heavier.

3. Don’t assume past harmony guarantees future alignment.
Just because you never clashed before doesn’t mean you never disagreed — you may have just stayed out of each other’s lanes.

4. Explain your perspective clearly, especially if your influence grows.
If you're stepping into a principal or lead role, share your approach to collaboration and decision-making. Clarify that your feedback comes from shared goals, not ego.

5. Focus on rebuilding trust, not restoring comfort.
You may never get back to how things were — and that’s okay. Focus on building a new dynamic rooted in mutual respect and aligned direction.

🎯 Final Thought

Working on a team is always a mix of technical decisions and human dynamics. Shifts in either can cause friction. But when handled with clarity, empathy, and a shared sense of purpose, those same moments can become catalysts for deeper collaboration.

We can’t always go back to how things were. But we can still move forward — and make awesome things happen together.